HPT hell

What’s that thing about the definition of madness, you know, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results blah blah blah?

I propose an alternative definition: the definition of madness is a 39 year old woman on her last IVF/FET cycle insanely doing HPT after HPT after HPT on the 2ww.

Don’t ask me why I do it, I just don’t know. Probably because, being delusional, I think it will give me some form of control over this period of limbo, except it doesn’t, as each test creates its own new agony, e.g.:

  • Why can H not seen the positive result on this test that I have stripped of its casing and held up to the lightbulb, when it is plain to see from a distance of at least 3mm?
  • Why is this superfaint line not getting darker 48 hours later?
  • Why did the same brand test read almost negative with FMU at 6.30 but a faint yet cheery positive at lunchtime?
  • Is this positive a false positive?
  • Why in the name of ARSE is this Clearblue digital which cost approximately half my monthly wage showing a BFN at this time?

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

As for you, Google, you’re no help whatsoever, with your tales of people getting BFN all the way until OTD which keep rousing my spirits interspersed with gloomy tales of chemical pregnancies which is a route down which I am extremely keen not to go again.

6 days till OTD. In order to retain some shred of sanity and dignity, I shall now commit to a  POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.

  • The line will get darker.
  • I will get a positive on a clearblue digital.
  • The result on OTD will be a healthy, happy BFP.
  • The 6 week scan will show us a very healthy, happy embryo.
  • And I will be extremely, eternally grateful for all of this.

I am now going to put my feet up the wall (yoga pose) and watch Arrested Development.

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